I was walk­ing through the mall on a Sat­ur­day night,
where a group of young men were walk­ing too.
They took up the whole hall­way from left to right,
mak­ing it hard for other peo­ple to get through.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was see­ing at first,
as they faced me oppo­site my route.
It was like an inpromptu game of “Red Rover, Red Rover“
fea­tur­ing wanna-be thugs had bro­ken out.

Their human wall may have been just a prank,
or to let every one know they were tough.
But me, I had some­where I had to be,
and was not in the mood for this stuff.

As we approached each other there in the hall,
it became clear they had some­thing to prove.
And from here I see that I’m wider than two of these men,
so it’s sim­ple physics that someone’s got to move.

Now here we were, all of us nearly face to face,
a bat­tle of wills was being put to the test.
That’s when the one in the mid­dle to my left hand side,
throws his shoul­der right into my chest.

We have now stopped dead in our tracks,
and a ques­tion has come to my mind,
I ask him, “Are you alright?” because when he bounced off my titty,
he landed on the floor hard on his behind.

His friends all offer to help him up,
and he’s just as red faced as he can be.
He jumps up off of the floor, gets right in my face,
and exclaims, “Yo, you don’t know me.”

As far as stat­ing the obvi­ous goes, he wins,
I had never seen him before in my life.
Then again, I’m not from this town, but my love grew up here,
so I ask, “No, but maybe you know my wife?”

My ques­tions are get­ting no answers,
and it’s clear now he’s want­ing to fight.
So nat­u­rally I size the sit­u­a­tion up,
to see if such a thing would be right.

I’m 6’3″, he’s not quite so,
and I out­weigh him by over 100 pounds.
If this were a pro­fes­sional box­ing match,
it would never even see two rounds.

He’s also dressed in cloth­ing so baggy,
that it would fit 2 to 3 times big­ger guys.
And that’s when I real­ized why, when shop­ping,
I can never find things in my size.

I’m snapped out of my side­track­ing thoughts,
as a fist comes fly­ing my way!
I dodge his punch and pro­ceed to kick some ass,
from Sears on down to Chick-Fil-A.

Now his crew, his posse, his gang, his boys?
They took off scream­ing and run­ning for their lives.
As our mall wide fight stops a mere 5 min­utes,
before the mall secu­rity arrives.

They asked, “Excuse me sir, did you assault that man there?“
point­ing to the half-naked man by him­self.
I put on my nice new 3X shirt and said, “I don’t know him.
Don’t believe me? You can ask him yourself.”