Official Home Of BIG Ben Kennedy

I was on my way home from work one day, when my wife Kerri informs me that we need ant spray.

Living in beautiful Charleston, SC may feel like paradise, but the various bugs make sure you know that they are here to stay. One of the reasons even the richest homes here have infestation problems is because most of Charleston is below sea level. That’s right, below. One has to drive uphill to go to the beach.

Not only does it make this town nervous when any storm gets it own name, but it also ensures that any rain will cause some minor flooding. Then, when your yard is a swimming pool, where are all the little buggies gonna go? They go up and into your house where it is dry.

But where will they find food?

Our 2 year old son Benjamin takes care of that. They will be finding pieces of Pop Tart and chicken nuggets in this place long after we move, or drown.

But as it stood, we were tired of the battle, and wanted a slight reprieve from the making of the sequel to Starship Troopers. That is only one of many reasons why I’m in the dollar store looking for ant spray.

I know what you’re thinking, “Dollar store any spray? Like that’s going to work.”

Well, here’s the thing, smartass: It says, “Raid” on the can. And no, it’s not spelled, R-A-Y-E-D, it’s the real deal, name brand stuff.

At the dollar store? Yep! As many frequent shoppers of the dollar stores and bargain outlets who are reading this already know, the dollar stores are no longer the generic, off-brand, parodies of products you love and trust like they used to be.

“Look Ma, they have Peter Dan peanut butter!” The jar has a picture of a real guy in tights, and the photo quality is like an 80’s Polaroid.

These days, dollar stores are more like overflow centers. All the name brands that couldn’t fit onto the Piggly Wiggly shelves are at the dollar store.

However, there are certain things I won’t buy at the dollar store, like perishable food, or underwear. But sodas, condiments, canned goods, and most health and beauty aides are pretty fair game. Well, maybe not shampoo, I don’t need my hair falling out. And I wouldn’t buy pregnancy tests there either. I don’t need to pull my hair out on 13 false positives.

One thing I do like about the dollar store, the employees. They usually have as many teeth as they have years of probation, as well as visible tattoos.

In other words, with my family all the way back in MD, the employees at the dollar store make me miss home a little less.

Also, just the same as my family, I can talk circles around them, and do.

In my 30 years on this planet, I’ve found that life is nothing but a scripted play. You know what people are going to say before they say it, and just to get though things as quickly and as easy as possible, you’ll do the same. You’ll go into a store, and when the 16 year old employee walks up and says, “Can I help you with something?”, you’ll say, “I’m just looking.” even though you do need help. Then you have to backtrack and say, “Well, actually…” looking like but another confused, moronic customer. Or you’ll become an instant Christian just to get the bible thumper at your work to try and convert someone else.

“Praise Jesus!”

“You got it sister!”

“Wait, aren’t you Jewish?”

“There are muffins in the break room?” And you run off.

My family, and probably yours too, grow into the same pattern. I’ve heard my mother and my wife tell the same stories time and again. I like watching them tell it, and don’t want to embarrass them, so I let them tell it, again. Sure, I love to tell the same stories, and do all the time, but to me it has always proven the fact that my family listens to me with half an ear. I’ll change facts, places, even people, and never get questioned otherwise.

But when it comes to the daily play with strangers, I have never, and will never, follow that script.

So I’m at the dollar store, and I walk up to the register, can of ant spray in hand and then sit it down on the counter. The clerk looks at it and asks, “Are you havin’ ant problems too?”

“No, ant farm, and it’s just not gonna work out.”

She’s speechless. Why? Because I broke the rules, I deviated from the script. Don’t worry, right after that I told her I was just kidding. Then I asked her if I was buying enough D-Con to take out my wife’s two cats.

That I wasn’t kidding about.