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Do you want people to obey speed limits in your neighborhood, so they won’t run over your children? Well here’s an idea: Keep your kids out of the street!

Enough with the speed humps!

They didn’t have speed humps in my neighborhoods as a kid, and neither I, nor anyone I knew got hit by a car. Well, except for Jamie, but he was kinda slow, and the car was parked. But the parents of today are trying to make the world so safe, so padded, that it’s enough to make you sick.

The kids are wearing helmets and pads to ride their bike down the street, past two of those glow-in-the-dark plastic kids with flags in their hands, past the “children at play” sign, all on a street with 4 speed humps on it.

These kids have their path so cleared out for them, that they don’t know their limits or boundaries. And it seems like the first thing that gets in their way, like a bully for example, runs the risk of getting shot by Dad’s gun or blown up with a homemade device.

They also threaten to call child protective services on their parents at the first sign of a spanking. How many of us would have even dared to call social services on our parents? Shit, my parents told me if I ever threatened it, they would dial the number for me, and then beat me with the phone. The only “time out” I ever heard was, “Time out, I’ve gotta take off my belt.”

And how many of us ever lit bottle rockets from our ass, or stapled our scrotum to our leg? These kids are living in such a padded world that they are hurting themselves for fun!

Let’s switch gears for a sec and look at an important issue about speed humps.

There’s an approximate delay of between 3 and 5 seconds per hump for fire trucks and up to 10 seconds for ambulance with patient. So you have 3 humps on your street? That’s 15-30 precious seconds that a heart attack victim, drowning victim, or your house in flames may not have. And that’s just getting down your street. Then you have to factor all of the other speed humps in your neighborhood.

But hey, when your kid recovers from his emergency, he’ll be able to play hopscotch in the middle of the street again.

Now here’s what I say: If someone is tearing ass through your residential neighborhood, chances are, they live in your neighborhood! Or maybe they’re visiting someone who lives in your neighborhood. Drive around, find that car, and let your Daisy Air Rifle do the talking.

Either they’re gonna get the hint, and stop, or they’re gonna move. And if it’s the visitors, well, they’ll stop coming by, because they can’t afford any more car windows and the hike in their insurance rates. Everyone wins!

But no, take the passive aggressive approach. Say nothing, and just add another speed hump.

And thankfully, your kids will be safe and sound, and Tasering each other in your basement for the YouTube audience.