Official Home Of BIG Ben Kennedy

Genitally speaking, people on the roads these days cannot drive. I know I said “genitally speaking”, and deliberately so. That’s because drivers these days drive like dicks, pussies, pricks and assholes.

And why is it that the people in traffic who have pulled too far out into an intersection, blocking traffic, or have just cut you off, always have some kind of body damage on their vehicle?

It always leaves you saying, “Well, it’s no wonder their car looks like that.”

Listen up, genital drivers of the world: If your vehicle is smashed in on the side, or you’re missing a bumper, and your car looks like something out of the post-Apocalyptic world of Mad Max, maybe you should be a more careful driver. Or at least fake it.

No thank you. You’d rather drive like you are the only person on the road. Well tell me, if you are the only person on the road, then who the hell are you honking at? How dare anybody get in the way of your next accident? Genital.

One day, I may get a wild hair up my ass and go into politics. And you better pray I never do, because my first act of business is IQ tests for drivers. But that’s not all! If you have any infractions that fall into the category of negligent or reckless driving, or an accident that is your fault, then you get a new “special” restriction.

No longer will you have restrictions listed on your license just for things like “needs to wear corrective lenses in order to operate vehicle”, now you’ll have a “special” restriction like, “Needs to wear a helmet in order to operate vehicle.”

And not a motorcycle helmet or a Nascar driver’s helmet either. Think more of a bicycle helmet. With a propeller on top.

That way, if you get a shiny new car, you can’t hide it. No matter what your car looks like, we’ll see that helmet, with the SpongeBob SquarePants stickers on it, and we’ll know to give you the right of way.

Plus, think of the helmet hair! Even when you are in Wal-Mart with 3 screaming brats buying Malt-O-Meal bag cereal by the truckload, we’ll see your helmet hair and know to give your cart wide birth.

Why would people treat you like this? People point and laugh at you. You’re a good person. Well maybe you should have paid more attention in Driver’s Ed, or better yet, you could be a really good person and take a driver safety course or get a chauffeur before you kill me and my family.

Nah, if I were a decision maker in government, I think I’d rather see you in a helmet.

Why? Because after you have been driving for years with everyone treating you like you’re “special”, it’ll drive you crazy and you’ll want to drive like a normal person so we’ll stop judging you by your helmet.

See how that works?

Genital drivers be warned, if you’re reading this, it’s time to straighten up.

Vote Kennedy in 2016!