Forget eating lighter. Just be lighter.

by BIG Ben Kennedy // Category: Essays // Write a review!
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I wish I had the ability to levitate. Not only would it win me tons of money as a magic trick in bars, and also my game on the court would be pretty tight, but I would take my ability and go win on NBC’s “The Biggest Loser”.

And just how would levitating help me win a weight loss competition?

Well I would get on the show, eat every “temptation” they put in front of me, refuse any and all of the workouts, and then simply just levitate a little more at each weigh-in.

The producers would be baffled, America would be captivated, NBC would shit kittens over the incredible ratings, and Jillian Michaels, that trainer with a smoking body but the face of Lou Ferrigno, would probably quit!

I’d probably get an endorsement deal for my “Do Nothing Diet”, where we say, “Forget eating lighter. Just be lighter.” No one will know what it means, but they won’t care. Somebody on TV ate anything he wanted and lost weight, and now he’s telling them that they can do it too? That’s all they want to hear! I’ll be a ka-billionaire!

Then I would take all of my money, and get liposuction.

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