He sleeps with his tongue out a lot.

I know he looks cute, but I’m telling you, the fact that he sleeps like this and then added to the multitude of weird stuff he does all of the time, really spells a case for oxygen deprivation at birth.

When my son was in preschool he wanted only one thing for breakfast every single morning, and that was Pop-Tarts. While I’m sure he loved them for the sugar, I liked them because they were quick, easy, and when we were running late most mornings, they travelled well.

Sadly, there were some mornings when he didn’t get to finish his Pop-Tart before we made it to preschool, and I would have to take it from him.

“Why not let him take it in” you ask? Because if the other little ones in that kiddie penitentiary would have caught my son with the good stuff, he was liable to get shanked with a floor-sharpened Crayola, that was why.

Yes, daycares and preschools are awfully rough places now, just ask someone on the inside.

After I dropped him off and told him, “No tattoos.” I usually drove to work with anywhere from a half eaten to three quarters eaten Pop-Tart in my passengers seat.

I used to just eat it, but then I became more health conscious and began trying to cut carbs, so I could no longer enjoy the Maple and Brown Sugar and Toddler Spit goodness anymore. But, so not to be wasteful, I instead broke it up into small pieces and threw it on the ground during the walk from my car to the front door of my work.

It was a great way to start my day, pretending to be Hansel. I remembered thinking, “Oh that lucky, lucky Hansel! He got put into a giant cage, and ordered to eat cake and candy and cookies twelve times a day.”

I really missed my carbs back then.

Later while I was at work, lifting refrigerators, ranges, washers, dryers and big screen TV’s to 3rd floor apartment buildings all day, I would usually stop and imagine that birds were swooping down and eating those pieces of Pop-Tarts I threw down, much like the old children’s story. Only this time when they swooped down to grab what they thought was just another piece of bread, or some stale biscuit or hamburger bun, they got a fruit filled or sugary surprise.

“Holy shit, this cracker has got strawberry in it! It’s gonna be a good day, boys!”

And the thought of that made me smile.

Then it made me insanely jealous that they got to eat carbs.

Not to mention, it also made me a little mad when my crumb trail was gone and I couldn’t find my way back to the car at the end of the day.

Who passed their Paramedic Module 1 exam today?

Yeah, it was me.

And while that might sound a little cocky and like I thought that I would pass it the entire time, well, that is not true.

While I was confident that I would pass, I was still scared shitless that I wouldn’t.

The main reason I was so scared was because the Module exam was on 10 chapters worth of material. That’s 10 chapters that ranged from anything from why EMS was started, why paramedics should exercise and drink water, pharmacology, pathophysiology, and medical, legal, and ethical issues and a bunch of other things of questionable importance.

The information was literally one-sixth of our 1800 page textbook, and I have done my absolute best with it the past month while still working and maintaining relationships the people who live in my house that I affectionately call “my life” while others might call them “my family”.

Now with all of that, I could have tried to memorize the book, which is literally impossible for any normal person, but there also was no way to know out of the hundreds of glossary terms, thousands of paragraphs, and tens of thousands of words, exactly what would show up in the 100 question Module 1 exam.

Luckily, I knew some answers and guessed some others for a total of 74 percent correct, and I passed.

And what do you call the person who aces Paramedic school? The same thing you call the person who barely passes it, and that’s Paramedic.

Although, I will strive to score higher in the future, because that’s the kind of person I am. It was just a lot of information thrown at you in the beginning of a new class, and I did the best I could with how overwhelmed at times I was with it all.

And I’m glad that I did, because I wouldn’t want to have to kick somebody’s ass up in there.

Actually, that is close to assault, or is it because it was written that it’s called “libel”?

I don’t know. But to my defense, I am interested in helping to save lives, not the terminology that give ambulance chasing lawyers hard-ons.

That’s why I’m happy that the next module is all about airway, or as I like to call it, “the stuff I thought I would be learning about”.

Do me a favor though, don’t remind me of this post when 3 weeks from now I’m bitching about how hard this module is, deal?