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I think it’s safe to say that the boy bands are gone. Well, for now, anyway. I know they’ll just be back in about 7 years, but in the meantime, let’s try and enjoy the absence of a five guy fashion-friendly, dancing, singing, cliché for a while.

When my mother was young it was Jackson 5 and The Monkees, my older cousins endured New Edition, and when I was a kid, the big “boy band” was, that’s right, New Kids On The Block.

I know you remember that gang of singing street toughs from Boston.

I remember when they would come through town, you would either find yourself beat the hell down, or pregnant. And sometimes both if the night was right.

Actually, they would more than likely be naked and practicing falsetto in the hotel shower, because they “dig the wicked reverb”.

If you happen to listen to an old New Kids song, first off, tell your captor you’ll give up the secret formula, but if that doesn’t work, you’ll notice something about the New Kids: they couldn’t sing.

Not a note.

I’m not being mean, and I’m not speaking to you as a man with any real formal music training either. I’m speaking to you as a human being with a set of ears. Seriously, they were bad. Wow. They made N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys sound like the 3 Tenors.

The 3 Tenors, now THAT was a sexy boy band.

All vocally-challenged bashing aside, those assholes were everywhere. Over marketing? What’s that? You couldn’t walk 10 feet into a K-Mart without seeing those goofy looking bastards staring at you from a magazine cover, a HUGE button, or package of gum. Those faces would haunt my dreams. The one who had the vampire fangs, the one who wore the hat with no top, the one who looked like an ape, the one who looked like he was made of wax, and the one who apparently snagged his clothing on everything he ever walked past.

I mean, how did you get your sleeves ripped clean off if you always have your arms folded in front of you? His clothing was completely torn up, yet the bangs, absolutely perfect.

I remember my female classmates had the fortune of being alive when Massachusetts’ governor, Michael Dukakis, declared a “New Kids On The Block Day”. I had the sad fortune, however, of it being on my birthday. In hind sight, I guess it wasn’t all bad; it did snag me a ton of tail.

Ok, I think I was 11.

But I remember the girls would say, “You were born on New Kids On The Block Day?” and I would reply, “No. I was here first.” And I wished I would’ve thought to say, “And I’ll be here long after they’re gone.” But I wasn’t trying to hurt feelings; I just wanted to swap spit.

One thing I can’t hate on the New Kids fad for, the discovery of Donnie Wahlberg, and his little brother Mark. They may have made us laugh with the New Kids, and with the Funky Bunch, but I’ll be damned if they can’t act their little New England asses off. We all know that Mark is an actor and a half, but if you doubt Donnie’s abilities, watch the movie “Dreamcatcher” sometime.

And recently Donnie reunited with his NKOTB cohorts for a new album and tour. And you know what? I can forgive it. I’m not even going to make fun of it. Because those guys are approaching 40 years old now and all of those little girls who loved them “oh so much” back in the day are now not only legal, but they’re in their 20’s.

40 years old, and your groupies are 25 years old? That might be the only genius move of reuniting a boy band when you’re middle-aged.

I just hope the others don’t get the same idea. I really don’t want to see the original members of Menudo strutting their 50 year old Puerto Rican selves on stage anytime soon.

And I usually sum my writings up with some joke, or some insightful point, but as I read over this one, all I can think is, “I really just wrote a piece about boy bands?! I mentioned Menudo? What in the hell is wrong with me? There’s 15 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.”

Ironically, I wasted 15 minutes of my life talking about the 15 minutes of their life most of them wished they had back.

Well, I think that will do.