I know I might be one of 28 people left, but I haven’t taken a ride with Uber yet.
Come to think of it, I haven’t been in a regular old Yellow Cab in almost 20 years as well.
The main reason I haven’t utilized the Uber service, is because I have a vehicle of my own. I know there are other reasons, such as, for a safe ride home after a night of drinking, but I don’t really get drunk in public like that.
I’m more of a house party guy. And drunk me loves water. If you have a pool, river, ocean or some other body of water in your backyard, you will likely find my giant, pale, Irish, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man shaped body bobbing around naked in it at some point.
But I disgust, I mean, digress.
Another reason I don’t think I have used Uber is because I’m not entirely the most trusting person of the common stranger’s driving ability. And it is no doubt because I am a paramedic in real life, and have seen hard evidence that people cannot drive. They also cannot keep their vehicles off of their roofs. I have never seen so many rollover accidents in my life as I have this past two years.
And I’ve watched 3 and 1/3 of the 7 films in the Fast and Furious franchise.
Then two days ago I’m on Facebook, wondering when I am going to walk away from this online equivalent of the high school hallway outside of the cafeteria, when I see a Dale Earnhardt Jr. video playing in my news feed.
Apparently, in this past weekend’s NASCAR race somewhere, Dale Earnhardt Jr. was driving when the steering wheel in his suped up whip came off. While he was driving it!
Yes, we know each other like that so I can call him simply “Jr”. Besides Cal Rips and I don’t talk anymore anyway.
So what does Jr. do? He grabs that steering column like “You ain’t gonna aim that dick my way, Satan!” and steers the fucking car!
Do those Skeletor gloves have grippy dots in the palm like the socks you purchase for too much money at the trampoline park? I bet not. His grip strength is probably one of the strongest of any man from wrestling that humongous snake every time he has to take a piss.
How would one assume Dale Earnhardt Jr. has a giant endowment? Because it would have to be in order to match his beach ball sized cast iron balls.
Then, theeeeeennnn, after he steers the car, the car, that is going over 340 mph, by something the diameter of a paper towel tube, what does he do next?
He just pops the steering wheel back on, and it’s back to shifting and one-handed driving like normal.
I think that caption itself is too calm under pressure.
Fox, might I suggest the following captions:
“Way to keep the brake and gas pedals attached too, Dale Earnhardt Jr.”
“Way to not shit yourself, Dale Earnhardt Jr.”
“Way to make Jeff Gordon look like even more of a pussy, Dale Earnhardt Jr.”
So why would the steering wheel come off? Well, I’m told that the parts of a NASCAR vehicle are designed to be able to be switched out quickly in pit row if need be. However, I want to believe that the one part of the car that needs to stay firmly affixed is the PART THAT CONTROLS THE DIRECTION YOU WANT A CAR GOING 500MPH TO GO!!
In what instance would you need to swap out a steering wheel anyway?
I guess because it came off.
Now, if Dale Earnhardt Jr were my Uber driver, I think I would take that ride.
And I’m certain that he, at the very least, could keep the car off of it’s roof.
Or punch a hole through the roof and right it one-handed handstand push up style.
Damn, that was amazing video.