Why does Trader Joe’s make their jar of Cookie Butter so small?
I mean, I am a big guy, but I’m no giant and this jar is the size of my palm.
It’s slightly larger than a can of condensed soup, and smaller than a can of ready to eat soup or stew.
I find this unacceptable.
I want the Costco sized jar of this stuff!
But I think Trader Joe’s knows that one could and probably will eat an entire jar in one sitting. So from a supply and demand standpoint, that’s great profits. Because I figure the average person probably holds back on buying a jar a day.
However, two jars a week? You know that’s happening.
But more responsible than money making business practices, is knowing the product that you are selling.
In simple terms: Trader Joe’s cookie butter is too awesome.
Something so awesome has the potential for addiction, and this stuff is right up there with crack or that Nuke stuff from the Robocop movies. It’s awesomeness surpassed an addiction comparable to Internet porn years ago.
That’s right, Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter might just be the “Pokémon GO” of jarred spreadable treats. You heard me Nutella.
What is it that makes this so addictive? Let’s read the label together, shall we?
Actually, disregard this picture. This is what happens when you think that the panoramic camera on your iPhone could do magic to make the label appear flat for your readers.
We’ll just use this picture:
You might see that I have underlined a few things worth noting: this contains sugar. Sorry snowflakes, mommy isn’t going to let you have this. You’ll have to wait until you’re old enough to buy it on your own.
The first part of the sugar is in the what is called “Speculoos”. Apparently that is some kind of cookie from the Netherlands or something and not street slang for, “you might second mortgage your house over this shit, sucka”.
Now in the Speculoos is something called “candy sugar”, and I was no snowflake but I was raised with a certain understanding that candy is made from sugar. So does that make this “sugar sugar”? Not sure.
But speaking of “sugar sugar”, it appears on this label, as its own ingredient, twice! Either it’s a typo, or deliberate just in case you missed it the first time. I think it’s the fine print in the “you knew sugar was addictive when you entered the ring” fight contract.
And then the last mention of sugar that isn’t “candy sugar” or “sugar sugar” is in the form of “sugar syrup”.
Once again, syrup is made from sugar, so… “sugar sugar”.
That means the ingredients should technically contain, “sugar sugar”, “sugar”, “sugar sugar”, and “sugar”.
So maybe a bigger jar of this could bring you closer to actually overdosing on Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter. Or, maybe it just taxes your pancreas to failure and you become instantly insulin-dependent diabetic.
In that case, the smaller jar is incredibly responsible on the part of Trader Joe’s.
Because I’ve read all the research that suggests sugar affects the pleasure center of the brain like cocaine does. And if that is true… I am screwed.
Screwed because I just ate that whole jar while I was typing this, and screwed because the jar of cookie butter was a present for my wife, and now it’s gone.
Thankfully, I still have some money in the bank because I don’t want to end up pawning my stuff or doing sexual favors to buy more.
Why am I talking about sexual favors for Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter? Man I think the sugar sugar or the sugar is really hitting me! We should start a band! I could play drums! Listen how I’m beating on this table right now! I’m like the Neil Peart of IKEA furniture! Want to go for a run? I don’t run, but we can steal a boat!